Nintendo Wii Fanboy

After visiting friends and relatives this Thanksgiving, I was left with something special inside. Was it fond memories? Was it a deeper connection with those who I love? Was it several containers of leftovers? Sure, I received a fair share of those, but the most significant thing I received this Thanksgiving was the flu.

I should have known. At least five different folks I saw over the course of the day claimed to be recovering from some form of the dreaded virus. Sure enough, by Friday evening I was sweating and freezing at once, aching all over, and debating on which end to point at the toilet (too much?).

Whenever I get sick, I tend to feel very isolated. While everyone else was out enjoying their four-day weekend, I was tethered to the bed. But it didn't take long for me to realize that I'm certainly not alone. Everyone gets sick sooner or later, and no one is truly immune. In fact, even our video game counterparts have their fair share of sicknesses that affect their goals. And thankfully, just like said counterparts, the infections are usually brief. Here's our Top 5 sicknesses to avoid.

We've all seen this one before. What started in Symphony of the Night has continued throughout most subsequent Castlevania titles: coming into contact with certain enemies will cause specific status ailments. Being poisoned will slowly but steadily drain your health for a set amount of time. While the bloated health meters of recent Castlevanias make it almost a non-issue, it eventually becomes noticeable when you find that you're suddenly winding down to your last sliver of health. There's nothing more embarassing in Castlevania than to survive an onslaught of vicious enemies only to be done in by poison. The only way to stop the hemorrhage is by using an antidote. While this small facet of the Castlevania universe won't drastically alter one's feelings towards the series, it's certainly a nice touch.

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Shrinking racers since 1992, the lightning bolt is one of the most powerful weapons in all of Mario Kart. It's truly an unbiased punisher, rendering all but its user into miniature and flatten-able targets. I've often compared Nintendo-made multiplayer games to socio-economic classes, and Mario Kart is no exception. In this case, at the top lies either a single player way ahead of the pack, or a small group constantly trading the top spot amongst one another as the result of random item acquirement or blowback from the lower classes. In the middle lies most of the racers, struggling and battling fiercely amongst each other with the goal of achieving first place. In reality, they can only be the leader of their own group. Once in awhile a single racer by chance manages to find his or her way into the top tier, which only serves as motivation for the other middle-classers to continue struggling against one another. And at the bottom lies the proletariat; a group destined to round out the bottom.

While the lightening bolt item will certainly cause dismay in a tightly-woven group, a clear frontrunner will usually not lose first place because of it. Indeed, it seems that no item from the lower classes can ever consistently dethrone those at the top ... with one exception. It is perhaps the greatest move that can occur in any video game. On an extremely long jump (think jumping over the steam boat in Mario Kart 64), you manage to fire off the lightning bolt right as the first place person is in mid-air. The shrink will cause them to lose all momentum in mid-air, sending them to the ground below and surrendering first place to whoever is next in line. It's truly a beautiful moment.

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A fairly consistent trait of the Bomberman series, the Skull item card is a mixed bag of almost certain bad possibilities. After touching it, you're given one of a handful of conditions. Sure, there's a max speed and a max bomb blast radius to be had, but you're more than likely not going to be happy with what you receive. There's the painfully slow movement speed, where you're basically asking to be cornered and blasted. There's the bomb impotence, which makes you unable to drop bombs and puts you on the defense. And my personal favorite is what my friends and I have dubbed "bomb incontinence": you simply drop bombs at random without any control whatsoever. Try forming any sound strategy out of that!

And like many infections, the sickness is communicable. Don't like your current status? Simply touch a fellow bomber and you're free ... that is, if there's any around. Certainly any bomberman worth their weight would avoid you like the plague, which makes sense considering you're all infected-like.

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"What drugs were they on when they made this game?" I've heard people state this many times before about various Nintendo games. While most Nintendo projects have an air of innocence, there's apparently a very fine line in perception between child-like fantasy and wild drug trip. These questions date all the way back to Mario's first grand adventure, when he devoured mushrooms and "got big." Indeed, it must take a lot of ... "imagination" ... to start with an overweight Italian plumber and end up with this.

You can't blame Mario for his pre-disposition to drug abuse; he's been around it his entire life. Before he was even delivered to his parents, he had a run-in with a mind-altering substance. His temporary care-taker was addicted to what was known on the streets as "fuzzy." Yes, Yoshi's Island players, let's admit our addiction: whenever playing level 1-7, we always seem to "accidentally" bump into the fuzzys. File this under "I know I shouldn't but I really want to."

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Kid Icarus is a notoriously difficult NES classic. In typical old-school fashion, the game is relentless in challenge and unforgiving with mistakes. What's the most frustrating thing you'll encounter in this game, you ask? Is it the vertical-scroll pit deaths? The eternal re-spawning of enemies? The over-priced power-ups? While these are all certainly frustrating, the worst thing to happen to our friend Pit occurs in the dungeon levels. After encountering the dreaded Eggplant Wizard, I'm almost guaranteed to leave the room having had my torso replaced by the dark purple vegetable. When this happens, Pit is reduced to nothing more than a walking life drain, as he has lost his ability to use any weapons. The only cure is to find the nurse who can remove it. But there's only one of these in the entire dungeon, and the nurse's room might be located on the other side of the entire level. Thus, you're often forced to traipse across many rooms, usually taking great abuse along the way.

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Most viral video stars tend to fade away fairly quickly. The Afro Ninja is likely waiting tables, "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" reached its peak with a mention on Family Guy, and let's pray to God that we've seen the last of Chris Crocker (I'm ashamed to even know his name). Yet one Internet favorite has managed to grow exponentially in popularity and success since his first video debuted four years ago. What started as a simple decimation of Castlevania 2 on a VHS tape for friends has grown into one of the most recognizable features in the Internet gaming culture.

James Rolfe, better known as the Angry Video Game Nerd, is a New Jersey native who has entertained web viewers for the past four years with eviscerations of awful games. Every two weeks, he produces a new admonishment of an old-school abomination for ScrewAttack. What you might not know is that he's an aspiring filmmaker with a passion for the medium unrivaled by most directors with astronomically larger budgets. His hard work hasn't gone unnoticed, as the MTV-owned GameTrailers.com now sponsors his AVGN videos and Spike TV has commissioned him to produce non-AVGN related content.

Wii Fanboy recently tracked the man down during production of his latest video, a scathing look at the Philips CD-i. We discussed gaming old and new, the AVGN character, and his independent film studio known as Cinemassacre. Find out more about the man behind the glasses and Rolling Rock after the jump.

Cinemassacre / Films:

If you were able to successfully be an independent film maker, would you continue to do so or would you instead actively pursue working with a major studio? What are the benefits of independent film-making?

It's all about creative control. That's why Cinemassacre is independent. If there was a project that could only be done on a monster budget, or if it was a franchise (sequel/remake) that I believed in, I would go with the studio.

Let's say you're given a huge break and one of the major film studios offers you the chance to direct the next installment or a remake of a major Hollywood film franchise. Which would be your dream to direct?

Oh wow, one answer just rolled into the next question. I always dreamed of writing/directing a Universal Studios monster movie, whether it be a spoof or a very outdated followup to the 1930's/40's films starring Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, and the Wolf Man.

I watched the Cinemassacre 200 film. Film-making is clearly a huge desire of yours. Are you ever afraid of being boxed in and labeled as the AVGN?

I see the effects it takes, that the majority of internet audience see the Nerd at face value, but it's also gotten a lot of attention to my past work, so it's done no harm.

Many of the videos on your website are retrospectives of movies produced in either the 50s or the 80s. What, in your opinion, was the true "golden age" of film-making in America, and how does the current state of film-making compare?

It's hard to say, but I feel the true golden age is between the 20's and 40's. There was no television, the only way to see a movie was to leave your house. The movies of that era have a timeless quality, the fact that they prevailed through the Great Depression and World War II, makes those movies seem more magical to me. They were about escapism.

As someone who is very familiar with video games and movies, you're likely aware of the atrocities of most video game to film adaptations. Why do you think so many fail, and is there any hope for a good conversion? What game(s) do you think could work?

Movies based on games... I gave up on that a while ago, so to be honest, I haven't kept up with most of the recent ones. I remember going to see Super Mario Brothers: The Movie, and it wasn't anything like the game. Street Fighter and Double Dragon were also ridiculous. But the one that satisfied me was the Mortal Kombat movie, because it had a lot of fighting and it was actually reminiscent of the game, rather than completely straying from the source material. Nowadays, it seems it's all Resident Evil and Tomb Raider, games made after the golden age of gaming, for me personally. I always wanted to see a Zelda movie made in the same style as Willow or Clash of the Titans. I also wanted to see a Metroid movie done in the style of Aliens. But honestly, now it's too late.

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Ahh, the quote. Whether used to end an essay or defame a political opponent, the quote is a very versatile tool. Particularly in the era of blogging, every word that escapes a well-known figure's mouth has the potential to be immediately flung back at them. It's quite scary to look back on conversations I've had and consider the possibility of quotes of mine being used to define my character as a whole.

In fact, judgement of character based on a quote can even usurp the validity of the quote itself. Conventional wisdom asserts that singer Lauryn Hill once made a statement to the effect of "I'd rather have my children starve than have a white person buy my album." While this is simply not true, the false statement has been cited by those who would define Hill as a racist. Even Eminem supported the fallacy in a song whose title I won't mention.

Being over a century old, Nintendo is bound to have a few interesting quotes attributed to them. Coupled with a philosophy that is undoubtedly unique and perhaps offbeat, the Big N is not lacking in the department of ear-catching statements. Two weeks ago, I made a Top 5 in which I tried to downplay any tension between Nintendo and its fans. This week, I'm providing cheap ammunition. Enjoy.

In 2004, Satoru Iwata said that "customers do not want online games." At a time when the GameCube appeared to be a sinking ship, Nintendo's President and CEO made this statement which, in the ears of fanboys clamoring for online battle, seemed to punch a hole in the already doomed vessel. What a difference four years can make, for now we can achieve a dream that's been brewing since the SNES kart-racing classic debuted: power-sliding our way to victory both at home and on the go.

Though the statement is a bit inflammatory, Iwata's statement deserves to be understood in context. According to some reports, online gaming revenue is expected to quadruple in 2008 from four years ago. Although this doesn't provide accurate figures of consumer demand for online gaming in either time period, it does show that Nintendo hasn't ignored this enormous influx. As the less-quoted amendment to Iwata's statement demonstrates, "We're not negative toward the idea of going online. We're just practical." While you can debate the practicality part, you can't argue that Nintendo hasn't taken a 180 degree turn from that time. And you can never ask that someone is perfect; rather, ask that they learn and grow.

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"Donkey Kong Country proves that players will put up with mediocre gameplay as long as the art is good." Ouch. While this statement would be at home in a 1994 recess debate between a Genesis enthusiast and an SNES fan, it actually comes from Nintendo's golden boy himself, Shigeru Miyamoto. While I find it difficult to question the man who gave the world Mario and Zelda, it's perplexing to hear such inflammatory statements about such a finely crafted game. No one would argue that DKC's gameplay was revolutionary, but to dismiss it with such pomposity is the equivalent of attacking hot dogs for not containing tenderloin. Sure, it's no filet mignon, but those hot dogs are darn delicious. I've fawned over the game before, so the defense will rest.

According to the semi-reliable Wikipedia, Miyamoto was simply venting his frustrations from apparent pressure at the time by Nintendo to make Yoshi's Island graphically similar to Donky Kong Country. And if a brief emotional release is what it took for Miyamoto to keep the utterly sublime sequel to Super Mario World the way he intended, I say we give him a pass. While the statement was uncalled for, he was simply speaking his mind at that moment. And that's what some artists tend to do. After all, even Mozart was apparently a bit of a jerk.

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I've mentioned this a few times before, but it was such a slight against gamers that it bears repeating. In July of this year, managing director of marketing for Nintendo of Europe Laurent Fischer noted that the only people who want additional storage for the Wii are "geeks and otaku." I find it interesting that a director of marketing, someone who I assume has education and experience in marketing, doesn't see the connection that those who are running out of space are consumers who have purchased much downloadable content, and they want extra space so that they can continue to purchase even more downloadable content. One could grant Fischer a pardon due to his apparent ignorance, but resorting to name-calling demonstrates that Fischer has not advanced past an adolescent tendency to make ad hominem attacks when challenged.

Adding insult to injury was his non-apology apology: "I regret that this misunderstanding has created such offence and disappointment within the community." In other words, we're at fault for "misunderstanding." What is there to "misunderstand" about juvenile name calling? Claiming that hurt feelings are the fault of the victim's interpretation is nothing short of unfettered arrogance. While the previous items on this list are arguably just as outrageous, to have such a high figure in Nintendo literally insult their customer is baffling and reflects very poorly on the company. It's insulting at best and an utter mistake-hire at worst.

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Not everything shocking has to be negative. At E3 2004, Reggie Fils-Aime gave a speech in which he kick-started a new era of Nintendo, starting with a single line: "My name is Reggie. I'm about kickin' ass, I'm about takin' names, and we're about makin' games." Like a modern day Gettysburg Address, this speech -- more accurately, this line -- proved to be a turning point for the Big N.

Before this moment, Nintendo seemed to be flirting with the possibility of being the loser in the home console race for three consecutive generations. As Sega taught us, it doesn't take many failures before a console-maker goes toes-up. Even this blogger considered the possibility that The Twilight Princess would be Nintendo's swan song and entertained the idea of a future Mario title being played on a competitor's system. I get the impression that I was not alone in hosting these dark thoughts. But by amalgamating a few simple words into one immortal quote, Reggie instantly won the hearts of Nintendo fanboys. More importantly, however, his presence signified a metamorphosis in Nintendo. With the use of a simple curse word, Fils-Aime drastically altered Nintendo's image from the company run by Japanese dinosaurs who "just don't get it" into an aggresive, no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners game-making machine. The results speak for themselves.

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Iwata's ignoring the emerging presence of online gaming? Over-cautious financial planning. Miyamoto's hissy fit over Donkey Kong Country? Simple emotional release. Fischer's child-like ignorance? Well ... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was just momentarily clueless.

But there's some statements that simply defy comprehension. Coming from a man who has been the president of a major corporation for over half a century, one would assume that every decision, every statement, nay, every thought would be part of a larger scheme. Yet I think even a Bill Gates or a Warren Buffett would be left wondering what on earth was he thinking after hearing these words escape former Nintendo President and CEO Hiroshi Yamauchi's mouth: "[People who play RPGs are] depressed gamers who like to sit alone in their dark rooms and play slow games."

One could take the easy way out and assume that the man, aged about 72 years at the time of the statement, was simply having a "grandpa moment." But this couldn't possibly be the same man who radically transformed a playing card company into a technological revolutionary. Turn-based RPGs were never my personal favorite type of game, but I would never attack a game without reason simply because I didn't prefer it (unless the game was Deal or No Deal, then it totally deserves to be attacked). The same man who once downplayed Microsoft as a clueless non-competitor eventually grew a reputation for head-scratching quotes. Whether he was dissing competitors or claiming that graphics were meaningless to most consumers, we can merely guess at what on earth he was thinking when he made such brazen statements. Pent-up rage over the Square-Nintendo falling out? Dismissal of a genre which catered more to larger quantities of storage, something that wasn't a priority for Nintendo in the N64 and GameCube eras? I would normally follow that sentence up with "who knows but the man himself," but one must wonder if even he knew what he was saying.

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Coming off perhaps the longest election of all eternity, one aspect that stands out for me is the relentless demand for voting. Particularly for young people, the act of voting transcended the realm of obligation and became more of a societal requirement. 2004's "Vote or Die" campaign resurrected itself as "Don't Vote": a series of videos where celebrities tell us to be apathetic about voting ... and then hit us with a psych! You just got sarcasm'd! In reality, the "Don't Vote" videos are giving the viewer a wink which nonverbally says "we're messin' around; go vote, you moron!"

Inarguably, such campaigns have been successful. The youth turnout was very large in 2004 and even larger this year. 24 million of them, in fact, aged 18 to 29 showed up, which is an increase of 2.2 million from 2004. While it's great to see participation in our political process, one wonders about the old newspaper to voting question, which goes something like this: "About half the population vote and about half read the newspaper. Let's hope it's the same half." Indeed, I question who is the better person: an uninformed voter, or an informed abstainer. On the other hand, perhaps pressuring us into the voting booth is justified: by voting for or against a candidate, we're investing ourselves in those individuals. Thus, we follow their progress and learn as we go. Whether the ends justify the means is for someone wiser than me to decide.

Which leads me to gaming. Gaming is both entertainment and an art-form. It's evolved from an experiment by college researchers to a hobby for electronic enthusiasts to a distraction for bar patrons to a culture for children before finally reaching its final stage of metamorphosis: a global juggernaut larger than film and music which appeals to an incredibly diverse group of folks. And as it becomes more relevant in our society, those of us who follow it closely should feel a responsibility to stay informed and take action when appropriate and/or necessary. Last week I presented a list of items that divides gamers. Here's the Top 5 issues that should leave you standing shoulder to shoulder with your gaming comrades.